Trust me it’s not a typo, I said hate, not love.
I am not a psychologist, I just wanted to clarify. I do not know much, but I know it is possible to have too much hate and it is also possible for too much love. But these days while trying to maintain a balance in all aspects, some hate still creeps in. I am pretty sure I am not the only one. Personally, I hate anything that builds up, so hear me out.
Right now, I am pretty sure everyone knows the whole situation. Even if you have been avoiding the news and staying off social media, the news has probably still found a way to notify you. The birds outside probably know, too. Even though I highly doubt someone sent you the details in the mail, there had to be a hint in one of those messages (advertisements).
At every corner instead of being a treat or a drink, it’s just more updates and updates. But while the world seems to be updating, I am pretty sure there are some things (well specifically people) that haven’t been updating at all.
And I am a perfect example. Here I will give you a quick story of my life during this recent month (possibly two months-wasn’t keeping track at all).
I wake up (anywhere from 7–12am) based on what time I went to sleep and wonder if I should go to sleep again. Whatever I end up choosing, the first thing I do is start watching Chinese/Korean Television series (Dramas) or anything on Netflix or YouTube. And then I eat, sleep, poop, and pee (not exact order and not exact count-I hope you understand).
^That is the best way of describing each day. And yes, my semester and finals are over. They have been for a while, but my choices for life being at home still stayed relatively the same regardless.
It has been an interesting time, and I just haven’t put much thought or action into my life. Specifically, I haven’t really moved around in my house, just when I need to do my business or eat (and tbh sometimes I just skip meals).
I exposed myself to a couple of my friends the other day when I noticed I was averaging about 50 steps each day. I didn’t think it was sad until I slowly started to digest all this information in (especially the steps per day). It’s been weeks, too. I have been staring out the window and seeing all these people running around the neighborhood, and I am just sipping on my tea and laughing my head off of their perseverance and stupidity (when they are actually the smartest-well I like to believe so).
You might think it’s sad, but I am not blaming anybody (not even myself). I thought it was a perfect time to just relax because I have been doing better this semester and have changed many habits and methods to make sure I am a bit more focused in school, but now it is a long-term problem.
Despite having this unproductive problem, I had another problem. I had no remorse or guilt during the whole day until I had to go to sleep. Now, I used to journal every night and it was a way for me to think and reflect about my day. Yep, you guessed it, I haven’t even been doing that.
Whenever I was about to go to sleep or when the beautiful outside world started to darken (besides when it is raining in the middle of the day), I realize, and I start to question what I did the whole day. And then it starts to become sad and dark and hate.
“WHAT THE F*** I LITERALLY DID NOTHING TODAY. LIKE NOTHING TODAY. well nothing every day. BUT STILL HOW HAVE I BEEN DOING THIS. I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS. and yet I do it again the next day, the next next day, the next next next…IT’S ALL OKAY. CHILL. EVERYONE IS RELAXING AND I TOTALLY CAN TOO.”
(btw if you didn’t get it-no caps words are my honest thoughts)
Now, I know it is bad to compare yourself with others (well it’s not whether it’s bad or not-it’s too complicated to explain in a few words), but we all do it. I have noticed and know some people that are making such good use of this extra time on our hands with so many restrictions. But there are so many people that have found ways and new methods to make themselves productive and happy.
Obviously, I haven’t done any of that. I haven’t exercised. I tried. I really did. I worked out once and then I just never did it again. And that is a big effort. I have done other mind things and things that don’t involve technology, but that will be another update on another day.
After I have my own monologue before going to sleep, I would feel guilty but still find an excuse to convince myself. However, this deep feeling inside of me never seemed to go away. It just seemed to increase. I kept lying to myself.
The heavy feeling started to remind me during the day instead of only at night. This hate started to build up each day. I knew that I had to do something. It is reasonable to have breaks and do nothing, but like I said in the beginning: BALANCE.
It reached to a point where even when I tried really hard to change things back into my productive schedule, it was too hard. My sleep schedule (even from now) is so hard to get back to my early mornings. I used to appreciate the time in quiet peace but now I wake up to loud noises in the kitchen.
The hate is something that I couldn’t stand. Now, I am stuck with trying to fix this all again because I caused it all. I know that I don’t need to blame myself too much, but I feel like I have to in order to revert things.
It’s just I am so fortunate and thankful for everything that I have. Despite not working anymore, I still had basic necessities. My semester also ended, and I ended up with more time on my hand that I just couldn’t take control over. I just found every reason to waste even more time. But my family members are still working most of the week if not every day. I will baby sit on some days, but it was still nothing compared to how other brave heroes were making this world a safer and better place.
I know that some people may not agree with my ideas and have the same feelings, but I just want people to remember the other things that are also important. Breaks and relaxing are so important for the mind and soul, but activities and movement are just as important.
Your choice is always your choice, but there are always other factors that could change everything. I want to take part in the change especially after enjoying such a calm and silent breeze.
My piece of advice: Never drag things out because you will hate yourself each day for it when you can actually stop way before things get too messy.
I know that I was able to make things work out positively during this time, but I can’t just be an optimist. I also need to be a realist, and I have enjoyed my happy moments. Now I need that to guide me to enjoy more even if it isn’t for now. It will be for the future, too. Taking in this lesson will help me with my self-control-it is much needed.
If anyone seems to be falling too deep into a rabbit hole of problems, hopefully I was able to bring another perspective or some insight into your life. Just remember everyone’s meaning of happiness is different, so do the things that you enjoy.
As I am going to transition back into a more productive life, it will be hard as I never really set up something for being at home all the time. It will take effort and discipline, but it needs to be tackled. I will work hard and bring some happy vibes into my life with the new changes. Good luck to myself and everyone else that is also working hard.
WE GOT THIS!!!
Stay safe, healthy, and positive. Always find the balance.
