I am really confused with what I want to do.
Yes, it would be great to say, “I graduated from college.” And I am not saying no to that. I am saying yes to making some changes.
My parents have known from the start I didn’t want to go to college. I am not the studying type of person. I just want to get a job and start working. But as multiple tedious experiences with working at fast-food restaurants and Asian restaurants and little money, my parents do not want me to have the same experience.
They wanted me to try college, and I accepted it. It was great the first year. However, the second year is making me see and realize I don’t know what I am doing and where I am going. (Maybe COVID is making me also go insane with the pressure, stress, and tension)
I don’t even know what I am saying. My thoughts are everywhere.
We all hear about the success stories of people becoming rich from a new invention or product or social media/platforms.
I feel like we all envision what that would be like if we could be that. However, I really don’t think I would be able to achieve as much as others or to my desired success. Maybe others can, and everyone has an entrepreneur side to them. It just isn’t my time to shine.
And because it isn’t, I need to do something else before I step into the “real world.” The universal answer seems to be college.
College seems to guarantee a higher pay and a better work environment, and the list goes on. You make great relationships with others, and you have time to mature before you are in a real working setting.
Some parts are right. I am thankful for the great memories, people, and teachers that I have met. Despite the good, there is always bad.
College really just holds you back from making money and being active in the world. It is more about learning and memorizing things that you forget the next year. (at least that’s what it is like for me)
It is a money-taking system that I can’t wrap my head around.
I want to find something else to do.
Working and wanting to just do something productive and earn money is great. Some people choose to work while others decided to waste their days away. Sometimes there are hidden reasons to not working or a certain lifestyle. Therefore, there is no judgement and hate. Plus, we always need a break.
For me, I want to work. In my parent’s minds, they want me to have a stronger education than high school. They want me to have a 9–5 job with a high pay. They want me to have enough money to settle and be a strong mom.
In my mind, family comes on the very top. Maybe my top 1 or top 2.
However, my world revolves only around them. It is they want… they want…
It is not what I want. But then when I am being truthfully honest…
I don’t know what I want.
That could be the main problem of everything. I let my hardworking Asian parents choose for me. They want to choose a life for me that will change everything so I do not have their hard life. However, I am not really liking this current situation.
I appreciate all that they do for me. School is stressful. I am forcing myself to memorize weird things that I have no interest for.
It might be because I am not interested in my majors, but I know that I want to do business. So what the heck am I going to do before that?
Continue completing the rest of the two years I have for school and spend $100 for every online textbook and materials for each class and be confused on what I am even learning.
YES^^^^
FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO LIKE…
ahh there we go, that’s the next problem.
I have applied to internships, barely got responses…so that’s not going to work
Start a social media presence, become a TikTok star or a YouTuber…I am thinking about it (maybe my parents will really believe that it’s a real job)
cry and be sad and angry…NO that’s always the wrong choice. I need to step up and find something else to do, venture into the outer world and find something that will start fireworks in me
BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO
so this is hard, I am still trying to figure out what I want to do…
And I have done some stuff, but it isn’t successful which scares me
I have a blog (this one). I have a podcast. I have tried…I am not doing Instagram or Snapchat…just two very pretentious and weird things for me
The current two aren’t successful at all. I barely mention, but I am still working on it. I don’t want to give it up. It is part of my self-care regimen.
You know, it really is hard. This process is very confusing. I want to be ahead of the game and step it up. I want to be winning each and every time. I want to have passion and be excited when I wake up. There is so much that I want and wish for.
The funny thing is maybe by the time I am actually out of school, I will want to go back to school. I will miss these days filled of confusion. It is very intriguing.
So, I guess I will keep pestering and thinking and thinking…
One day everything will click and work out, right now I just need to focus and try to do the best I can with these weird choices of majors.
Maybe I need to change majors…Maybe I need to join a fun club…Maybe I need to take more baths
There are too many maybes and too many thoughts that can overload our minds, so just think. BUT DONT THINK TOO MUCH
Sometimes things aren’t completed or done at a certain time because we aren’t there yet. I am working on relaxing and trying not to be stressed when I have a couple of exams next week and a bunch of projects and assignments due.
I chose to step out of the craziness and took a break. I am chilling now as writing lets me get out of my zone and rejuvenate myself.
So instead of all the “hardworking bullshit” I had before I started college, I am going to step up my game. I am going to start finding opportunities (and continue to apply to internships even when I don’t get a response). I am going to do more self-care and change up my schedule and routine so I am stress-free.
I am going to change my college story into a learning story. I will fail FOR SURE. I will succeed FOR SURE.
I will be me. I will cherish all the good and bad, and I will continue to strive my weird way.
Thank you. I hope this gives anyone that is struggling some motivation because it is hard. I don’t know what I am doing, but that is OKAY!
We all got this!!!! Love!
